Jeff's Tuesday Hollywood Gossip Update Column

As some of you might know, I am quite a player in the rough and tumble world of "the business." I work, live, and play hard in the shiny city know to lame-o common folk as "the Hollywood" or "H-Town" or "Big City of Dreams." In my two year tenure in this business I have accumulated a lot of dirt on various "celebs." Dirt that I am about to share with you today and every Tuesday, assuming I don't get sued (again). Now, you could choose to believe my Gospel or choose to reject it, THE CHOICE IS YOURS!
To launch my new column, here are some general tidbits to wet your muffin tops and help all you "Midwestern Lame-O's" get up to speed....

• All dudes in Hollywood enjoy dude sex. I have learned from several "partyboy pimps" who "take care of" many famous "down-lowers." These "p-boy pimps" confess to me nightly that most men in Hollywood are "gay as hell." Granted, I have never had gay lovetimes with a "celeb" but I can assure you, I have nougat-wrestled several "big-timers" and let me say-all of em'-gay as hell.
• Every female "celeb" chooses to refrain from pooing. If you happen to be a female celeb who does require an occasional elimination, there is a contract involved to make sure the removal is done with speed and precision. When they do "release the demons" they usually are made of chiffon and are the color of "singing angels."
  
• All female "celebs" must not weigh more than 76 lbs. They are also required to hold their many-braceleted arms like a god-damn heroin addict* when they walkalbout glamourtown. Bag or no bag, the madatory look is dubbed by "inside stylists" as "El Mantis de Praying." This look = big roles, big money, and little problems.
  *

Doggie bags must never be requested when dining at hotspots. Doggiebags = chubby Midwesterners. WHO KNEW!?