"When I Have Kids" Thursdays II

Round Two of my thoughts on my inevitable future parenting. Click to see last weeks.

• NO HAMSTERS or GERBILS. My blessed children will be allowed a variety of birds, puppies, and maybe if they don't talk smart to their Pappy, even a small primate. When the day arrives when my doughy-eyed son comes up to me and begs me for a Hamster, Gerbil, or any rodent, the hammer of justice will connect with his jaw. This also includes Rabbits.
  
• NO SPRING BREAK FOR YOU. Back in college I took one Spring Break trip to the Bahamas and all I had to show for it was my intact hymen and a Stage C Rash my hombres and I caught while "crazy boozin" in a septic jacuzzi. My son might have a chance of going but my daughter will spend her high school and college spring break making Daddy lasagna instead of showing her nipples and screaming out "LAKE HAVASU 2023!!!"
  
• GO KART FOR EVERYONE. Some kids in my neighborhood had go karts and mini-bikes, in turn, they were the shit. Unfortunately, my parents wouldn't hear of such a thing. My little shits will be showered will all types of motorized fun machines. Little Jeffrey and Jeffrina will be the most respected kids in the neighborhood. They will achieve rightful popularity without selling ecstasy(little Jeffrey) or engaging in premarital hand release (Jeffrina).
  
• THE KIDS WILL NOT BENEFIT FROM MARISELLA THE MAID. Our future maid Marisella is for mommy's relief only. The little bastards will understand this by the age of 8 when I require them to perform monthly oil changes on my Benzo.
  
• PIZZA ON FRIDAY - ONLY. I know my genes and the craving for cheesy/bready/meaty/saucy combos my genes produce. This multi-generational trait will be nipped in the bud very early on. Pizza is the best and you can enjoy it my little ones. Only of Friday.
  
• YOU WILL WASH MY CAR. My pops and his pops did it, I did it with my Pops, you will wash my cars with me son. All of them. Even my classic hot rod collection and a monthly wax and buff of my 80's-era Air Wolf-style helicopter. One thing, Daddy just sprays the hose and must never scrub, dry, or bend in any way. Daddy never bends.
  
• YOU WILL BE IN THE FAMILY BAND. No choice here. All my children must be in my family band. Little Jeffrey on lead ax, Little Jeffrina on Bass (naturally), Little Two on the kit and Daddy on lead vocals on rhythm guitar. Everyone must sing harmonies and Mommy will make us pound cake and banana mojitos for our set breaks.