When I Have Kids Thursdays III

• NO MILK WITH DINNER. During supper, my little tubs of shit will only be allowed water, wine or delicious diet pop. One exception will be made, and that is when Moms is serving up the coveted "pancakes for dinner." Milk shall be enjoyed when eating breakfast and/or cookies and cakes. Kids should not be trained to drink milk with ribs or pasta. "That's what hillbillies do, and daddy doesn't feed hillbillies. Now go wax my jag" says Jeff to kids.

• NO MECHANICAL BULL RIDING. Nothing says "classy broad" like my Heffeweizan-filled daughter dry humping a fake mammal in front of college hat wearing gaytards. No double standard here folks, my son is not allowed as well. I have seen men ride mechanical bulls at bars. Watching them evokes the same awkward and uncomfortable feeling I got when I caught my parents "exercising" in the basement. The smell and the sweat and the heat...

• WHEN IN DOUBT, JUST KISS HER. A little sentimental, I know, but also very important. If a hint of opportunity arises for my Little Jeffrey, I will command him to just kiss the broad. If his advance is unrequited and a negative response occurs, may I suggest snuffing the sitch by vomiting on her mouth than sprinting back to Daddy - who will then make you run the mile.

• BAD GRADES WILL BE IGNORED IF LITTLE JEFFREY IS FUNNIEST GUY (CLASS CLOWN). I would be so proud that, not only will I allow him to do all the above stuff, but I will reward him by letting him throw water balloons at me while I built him a batting cage in the backyard.

• YOU WILL TEACH YOURSELF HOW TO RIDE A 2 WHEEL BIKE. That's what Daddy did (honestly) and that's what you will do. Remember, no helmets, no crying and no mommy. If you do get a "boo-boo," Daddy will make sure you spend your teen years scootin' around the neighborhood in your old batman bigwheel.
  

• SPICY SHIT WILL BE INCORPORATED AT AN EARLY AGE. Nothing is more embarrassing than being "that guy" or "that girl" who goes to a Mexican cantina with a bunch of amigos and demands to know the spice level of every little thing. "(in kiddy voice) seniow, awre da mawgawitas spwicy? " Therefore, hot giardiniera and jalepenos will be introduced at 6 months by incorporating the spice inside there "ba-ba" or rubbing on their toothless gums.
  

• YOU MUST COMPLETE AT LEAST ONE PULL UP IN THE PRESIDENTIAL FITNESS TEST. Daddy had a very hard time completing such a simple task. There are a few things as pathetic as the site of that one child; dangling from the chin-up bar, red-faced and hanging on for his life. His gym shorts are falling, exposing his stretch-marked booty crack while the skinny kids are pointing and spitting on him. My kids will not be one of them dammit. They will do one pull up. And one only.
  

• OH! EASY WITH THE BREAD.

Check out the previous additions. Pure Fantastikness.
When I Have Kids Thursdays I
When I Have Kids Thursdays II