When I Have Kids Thursdays - IV

• SURE, YOU CAN HAVE A RACE CAR BED. But only if you continue to sleep in it till you graduate college. My childhood was fueled by visions of unlimited pizza and car beds. Occasionally, my Parents let me have many slices of pizza, but never once did I experience the splendid sense of adventure of sleeping on a cherry red Ferrari bed. Being older now, I realize that race car beds are for little cooters and Ricky Schroeders. However, if one day my little Jefferino must have a car bed, he will be attached to it until he is 18. That means it has to be used when loosing his virginity and while he is attending the University of Chicago on a 1st Baseman's/Sketch Comedy/UFC Fighter scholarship.
  
• NO THEMED ROOMS. Especially when we get a visit by Ty Pendington and the folks at Extreme Home Makeover. Just because Little Jeffro is momentarily into Go Bots doesn't mean his room should be PERMANENTLY converted into a room dedicated and decorated in all things Go Botic. On second thought....that sounds fairly awesome.....
• IF YOU ARE TO HAVE ANY TYPE OF THEMED ROOM, YOU MUST HAVE A GO BOT THEMED ROOM . Imagine a race car bed which automatically transforms into a bumper pool table-a flying bumper pool table. Fucking Sweet. Unfortunately, at this point I must draw a line in the sand. Seriously, how fucknutty are those Extreme Makeover Artists? Last week there was little black girl who, I'm sure casually mentioned on the 40 page Extreme Makeover Home Addition application that she "enjoyed" playing the clarinet in the school jazz band . FUCKIN OOPS! She should have never opened her mouth because this poor child, who was about 14(!), is now stuck with a god damn clarinet stool, a clarinet bed, a clarinet lamp, a clarinet ceiling mirror, and clarinet shaped clarinet case for her brand new clarinet. For god sakes Pendington, chill the fuck out. Come to think of it....
• IF WE ARE TO EVER BE ON EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER, DO NOT EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, ADMIT TO "BEING INTO" ANYTHING OTHER THAN STEAM ROOMS, PERSONAL CHEFS, PET KIMODO DRAGONS, AND ENORMOUS TELEVISIONS.
  
• IF YOU HAVE TO FART DURING MASS, JUST FART. Some of the greatest memories I have of going to Mass was when one of us kids would rip ass. I command my little ones to not kill yourself trying to stifle your tummy rumblers- just let em' go. In such a quiet and solemn environment, humor can only be contained so much, especially at Catholic Mass where everything is at least 19 times more funny. Plus, nothing unleashes a uncontainable barrage of laughter quite like my little sister's innocent poot reverberating off a wooden church pew like a god damn rock guitar.
  
• WHEN THE GRANDPARENTS COME OVER FOR DINNER, WE WILL ALL LIP-SYNC AND PERFORM "COSBY STYLE" DIDDYS. The Grandparents are very important, therefore, whenever they visit, we will entertain them with various soul and R&B classics, expertly lip-sync'd and performed by ALL OF US. This must also include a dramatic entrance down the stairs and several soulful "break-downs" by yours truly. From a young age Little Jefferina must study the talented Rudy and Little Jefferooni must be able to do the robot as well as Theo. Jefferooni is welcome to bring Roach along as well. Roach will be doing sound.
  

When I Have Kids Thursdays - I
When I Have Kids Thursdays - II
When I Have Kids Thursdays - III