"When I Have Kids" Thursdays

Always shaking things up here at jeffmauro.com. Today I introduce a spectacular new segment I like to call: "When I Have Kids" Thursdays. Self-explanatory...

When I Have Kids:

• If I catch my child eating his or hers boogers, the thunder will be brought down. This will be the only instance in which my child might get beat. Only those dirty kids who you see Walmart eat their own boogers. You know what I'm talking about, they wear knee-patched sweat pants and always have blowpops stuck to their cheeks. And let me clarify, Picking boogers is A.O.K., I will tell my Kids "Kids, Daddy is ok with the occasional pick, roll and flick, but never ever eat it. O.K? Because, eating boogers is for orphans and terrorists."
• They will either be a center fielder or first baseman. My child will never play catcher because only overweight Italian kids play catcher.
• Strict NO HELMET policy. My grandfather didn't have one back in the old country, my dad didn't need one, I never wore one, my child will not wear one. If he or she has the balls to do a "Polish wheelie" off homemade super ramp, he or she has the balls to deal with a contusion.
  
• NO MAYO.
  
• When in doubt, punch.