Top Six Reasons Why American Idol is in the Process of Jumping the Shark

After last nights shitstorm of a show, I have concluded that American Idol's water skies have just risen out of the wake and are about to get major air over an enormous tiger shark. Here's why:


6) Rockin' Out is not exciting anymore. With last season's revolutionary introduction of rad rockmasters like Boy Bice and that dimple-chinned gayrod, it's seems American Idol was willing to take necessary risks to incorporate all facets of "American" music. Unfortunately, this year, the rock candle is being snuffed by Baldy Soulpatch and Snaggletoof Covington. Granted, those two are slightly more interesting to watch than Mandingo and Kelly Hickler, but they those dudes just don't satisfy my Rock Tummy. When they are Rockin HARD!, you have to ask yourself: "do these RockSmackers really inspire me to throw on the Dokken jean vest, black dungarees, and stand in line for hours to indulge in a pre-performance tall boy of Coors Extra?" For fucks sake, No. Please stick to the Blacks and the Country stars.

5) Randy's Getting Tubby Again. Oh! easy with the multiple tumblers of Coke. Nothing more detrimental to a show's success than when one of it's judges gain weight, post gastric bypass surgery, thus loosing vital judging credibility. Nothing wrong with a little chubiness mind you, but I'm just saying, after all that stapling and surgery, you gotta learn. I'm just trying to say it nicely, take it easy you fucking tub of shit.

4) Randy's Cutting Back on Dog Pounding. This one is actually more beneficial to the future success of the show but unfortunately the damage has been done. Randy has finally realized that hootin' and hollerin' at his unisex dog pound has become re-god-damn-diculous. This means that he is aware that he single-handedly was destroying American Idol as well as the planet. However, the damage is done Rando, the damage is done.

3) Simon Don't Care No More. Can you see it? I can see it He just doesn't care no more. Look who he who has to deal with. The man is the only watchable head on that show. Watch him closely, lots of head-shaking, wordless responses, and constant interruption by the mentally-challenged audience. He just don't care no more. He is there for a paycheck and to look at young girls boobies.

2) Seacrest loves Dudes (especially Simon). The entire internet/Hollywood community is game to his down low lifestyle, so it's only a matter of time before his charade comes crumbling down around him is a sea of seamen-soaked sweaters and paddycakes. What's not helping are the constant bitch fights between Simon and him. Those exchanges are killing the momentum of the show. Let's not forget to mention this season's mysterious absence of Ryan's trademark "Seacrest Out!" sign off. Coinkidink?

1) Paula is so God Damn Shot. When Paula "Witney II-Electric Boogaloo" Abdonkey opens her Goldschlager-scented mouth, I literally shed a tears of blood. Her jumbled words are so painful and fantastic that I can't help but relive the same uncomfortable feeling I got when I found myself stuck without toilet paper in the bathroom of the Ponderosa Restaurant at the North Riverside Mall. Believe you me, it's quite a tale. Lets just say I ended up wiping my ass with several slices of stolen white bread and immediately confessed to my friends what just occurred. They pointed and laughed and I went home to have a good soak and a sandwich.