When I Have Kids Thursdays - Part 7

Dear Children,

• We Will Not Go Camping. It's just not in our blood. Back when I was a teen, my chums and I loaded up the Mom's Dodge Caravan and drove to Wisconsin to rip it up outdoor style. It fucking sucked and I wanted not only to get a motel room, but I also wanted my mommy. I was 18.
  
• You Will Mow the Lawn. This will start when you gain enough strength and coordination to actually push the mower. I will pay you nothing but if you remain dedicated and do a good job, I just might buy you a riding mower. Why? Because Daddy always wanted one.
  
• Limited Childproofing. I can understand that parents enjoy the peace of mind that stair guards, table cushions, and outlet protectors provide. However, when I was a tike, we didn't have any such thing and we all turned out fantastic. Plus, nothing teaches a child strength and integrity like the corner of a coffee table being jabbed into your throat.
• I'm Still on the Fence About "Soccer." I should be blessed that my chub-inclined children would want to play any organized sport, let alone move, but soccer is just so damn silly. I understand the athleticism and endurance necessary to run up and down an enormous field. But when they take a hit, they all cry like injured lambs. And my children will be taught to destroy all injured lambs, then eat their chops.

THE CLASSICS:

When I Have Kids I
When I Have Kids II
When I Have Kids III
When I Have Kids IV
When I Have Kids V
When I Have Kids VI