When I Have Kids Thursdays - VI

Dear Future Children,

• Your First Job Will be Baggin' Groceries. You mother had no problem baggin' at the Dominicks and your Uncle Frank was so damn talented at baggin', he graduated to full out Cashier (PIMP!). Unfortunately, your father (me) didn't go the bagger route at the Jewels and starting his professional career as a bitch boy for the local butchers. Daily activities included sweeping meat, scrubbing fat, and picking beef veins out of my fingernails. All for $3.62 an hour. And that's the truth. On second thought....
• Your First Job will either be Grocery Bagger -or- Meat Sweeper. Puts hair on your chest.
  
• None of this "I'm Getting a New Car when I Turn 16" Bullshit. Your getting a fucking big wheel and that's that. Kids that get brand new bow'd-up Lexus' when then turn 16 wind up addicted to meth. Now that I'm thinking about it....
• None of this MTV Sweet 16 Bullshit. Master Daddy had two parties as a kid: my First Communion and my graduation from 8th grade. Those little rat bastards on MTV, with there fucking noses and reception halls infuriate me so much, I am honestly contemplating killing my children a day before they are 16. Maybe not my sons, but definitely my daughters. They must die.
  
• No Skateboarding. My chubby ass tried when I was a youngin', and it didn't work out. Our genes are not structured to handle such movements in conjunction with coolster style such as bullet belts, baggy clam diggers, and clunky untied shoes. Now that I think about it the trends have dramatically changed. The skaters of today often looks like members of a band called "The Chives" or "The Buttons" or "The Mongoose" or "The Slutdonkeys" (that's a good one actually). Anyway, they have floppy hipster hair and tight ASS black jeans and almost never grin. Tight as hell and jeans and my offspring will never unite. Now while I'm talkin' jeans....
• No Jean Shorts. This should be applied not only to my children but also the world. Obviously, if your a girl and can pull it off, go right ahead. But you, my precious little son will not being sporting knee-length man-jean shorts, especially when you are in junior high and on a strict UFC Fighter training regiment. Guaranteed - Chuck "The Iceman" Lidell does not believe in Jean Shorts, and if he does, you and him will meet, this Saturday the 15th, in the Octagon.
  


Check out the archives:

When I Have Kids I
When I Have Kids II
When I Have Kids III
When I Have Kids IV
When I Have Kids V