jeffmauro.com: When I Have Kids Thursdays

Dear Chubbies,

NON OF THIS, "YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE TABLE UNTIL YOU FINISH YOUR DINNER" BULLSHIT." My children will most likely be chubby and as not encourage any more expansion of their chub, It would be an insane for me to demand them to eat more. Plus, if I see that my children frequently do not finish their meals, I must come to the swift conclusion that they are no children of mine. Little Jefferelli and Jefferoni will promptly be "taken down to the farm." Mommy will be forced ala Scarlet Letter to go about town displaying on her forehead, a picture of the plumber she decided to bang.
DADDY WILL NEVER HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE CAR WHEN RETURNING VIDEOS. That takes so much movement and you know how Daddy feels about movement. Now that I'm on the subject...
DADDY WILL NEVER HAVE TO MOVE WHEN KIDS ARE AROUND. Thinking back to my childhood, I just made a realization. My Father really didn't move all that much. Sure he played catch with us, taught us how to box, touched are peepees, but when we kids were around, we were like his robotic slavebabies who would do anything to please "ol' Massa." Therefore, I can't wait to have some kids so I don't have to move anymore. I'll just kick back with my tazer and make sure the hedges get clipped.

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