When I Have Kids Thursdays - Part 9

Dear Seeds,

• No Eating Your Own Poo. Come on, we all have these horror stories told to us by our Parents of when we were barely toddlers and caught in our crib, smothered and feasting on our own feces. Admit it. Regardless, in my house, such an act is grounds for suffocation, unless you share with your siblings. Then it's cute.
  
• None of this "I'm sucking on my pacifier till I'm 8 Bullshit." You see those kids in the malls and stuff, unruly, covered in lollipop remnants and sucking on a baby pacifier. Next thing you know, this kid not only has a deeply embedded oral fixation but a gross ass overbite to boot, tamable only by a massive chrome headgear, which the child must wear to school daily.
  
• No Child Harnesses. We often see this phenomenon in conjugation with the aforementioned "pacificer teen." If my iron-fisted style of parenting is no match for my special little child and I am resorted to physically restraining my child in public places, then by all means, cover me in baby powder and lipgloss, make me wear a sailor suit while I'm forced to give hand realease to seven dirty cowboys in front of my father. Zinger!
• Supernanny = Adoption. If my parenting requires the involvement of that British call girl "Supernanny" then I might as well throw in the towel and give up my little shits for adoption and/or move to Tuscany where I will raise swine and hunt for truffles.
  

When I Have Kids I
When I Have Kids II
When I Have Kids III
When I Have Kids IV
When I Have Kids V
When I Have Kids VI
When I Have Kids VII
When I Have Kids VIII