Chuck Philips - White Collar, Black Heart.

Introducing jeffmauro.com's newest weekly columnist - Chuck Philips.

My Balls Aren’t Politically Correct

Today, while I was trying to deposit my tax refund of $4.53 into my excessively large bank account, I had the pleasure of viewing some ginormous hooters in line in front of me. Now, being the normal virile man that I am, I stare and then turn to Ms. Quicksilver T-shirt and remark, “It must be hard to breathe carrying those things around.” And then what happens? She slaps my face! And you know what I realize? I’m tired of all this politically correct BULLSHIT! You don’t like it when I say your tits are huge? Get smaller tits then! And then try pulling that, “Can I cut in line?” crap and see who listens to your flat-chested ass. Otherwise, you betta fuckin deal with the fact that your titties are so big I need a fuckin Sherpa to climb to the top of them.

What is with all this friendly, “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” bullshit we throw at each other all the time? I mean, who fucking decided that we all need to get along? No, I won’t be your fucking neighbor because you leave your damn Pontiac Firebird on your lawn with no wheels and you play ear-bleeding Mariachi crap that makes me want to vomit a trumpet. So get the fuck out of neighborhood!

I’m supposed to say, “Look, this is my perspective, this is my view. I just want to SHARE my FEELINGS.” I’m going to share some feelings with you, Mr. Cutting Me Off on the Freeway. I’m going to share the feeling of my fist beating the shit out of your face. And then I’m going to share the feeling of me sticking a tire pump up your ass and turning it on until your intestines are big enough for me to make a nice giraffe and maybe an inflatable Merry-Go-Round out of them.

It’s the same with, “Road Rage”. It’s not about traffic, and it’s not about your home-life or whatever pathetic daddy issues you’re dealing with. It’s about being fed up with all this smiley face bullshit and finally taking some action! We’ve given so much power to the damn police, and bosses, and correctional facilities, that we’ve forgotten our own God given right to smack the hell out of the dipshits that fuck with our lives. It’s in the God Damn Constitution! Give me Liberty or Give them Death! We the people, being of sight, sound and mind, do hereby say that we will kick your ass if it gets out of line! We’ve gotten so, “Politically Correct” that we’ve forgotten what Darwin taught us! Retards need to be smacked around! It’s up to us to teach them! Hey, retard! You didn’t cook this burger right. Now I’m going to put my foot up your ass until you learn! It’s like shoving a dog’s nose in his piss. He’s not going to learn otherwise.

And by God, it’s high time we start educating this world.

-Chuck Philips