When I Have Kids Thursdays - Part 13

Dear Shitpipes,

• NO CARL BUDDING COLD CUTS. Shits just plain nasty. You will not be one of those children who sit in the corner during lunch, sulking in burnt sweat pants and a bloody nose munching on a bag of grey meat. While we're on the subject of lunch...
  
• NO PIZZA PUFFS.
  
• THE FAMILY DOG WILL BE A GREAT DANE OR SOMETHING HUGE. This way you can ride it like a small horse, because frankly, that would make you the toast of the town. All the other kids would be so jealous of "that olive-skinned Mauro kid who gallops around the neighborhood on his saddled dog. He's just so talented!"
  
• TRICK or TREATING IS FOR CHICKS AND PUSSIES. When you are old enough to walk, and it is Halloween, I will be handing you 2 dozen eggs and a 10 count box of Gillette Shaving cream. Screw the candy boy, this will be your one night to cause as much of a shit storm as you want. "Fuck some shit up Boy! Fuck it up Good!" I'll say that to you ride off into dusk on your enormous dog.
  

When I Have Kids I
When I Have Kids II
When I Have Kids III
When I Have Kids IV
When I Have Kids V
When I Have Kids VI
When I Have Kids VII
When I Have Kids VIII
When I Have Kids VIIII
When I Have Kids VIIIII
When I Have Kids VIIIIII
When I Have Kids VIIIIIII