Queen Jeff and His Royal Mug

So there is this genealogy site that offers a free service in which you upload a picture and the software magically finds your closest celebrity look-alike. It's very easy and I encourage you to try. Hell, I uploaded what I think is a fairly neutral and nice pictures of myself. The results where surprising. According to myhertiage.com I'm quite skinny, regal and fast...


Not too familiar with the #1 best match Queen Rania (of Jordan) or my #2 best match, that waify slit Selma Blair. No idea who Giancarlo Fishicella is, but in my mind I'm picturing a top ranked Italian race car driver with a stable of obedient slut-maids who are consistently busy baking him hazlenut biscotti. I also heard that during the off-season he builds high speed rocket boats that run on kitten paws. Giancarlo also can bench 375 and he dong is ample. The qualities Sir Giancarlo possesses definitely make up for the fact that myheritage.com considers my face 33.33% broad.

Consider my #7 best match.....

I'm a pimp.

TRY IT YOURSELF HERE!

My People Go Way Back

Unfortunately, when Fred Flinstone's Grandpa Fabrizio immigrated from Calabria to New York back in 23', they were forced to change their name. Having no choice but to cooporate, Fabrizio Flinstonentenucci shortened the family surname to the simple and less "ethnic" Flintsone.

Barney is obviously Irish.
CLICK ME

Teen Witch Rap

Critics often ask me how I finna top that. To their dismay, I often answer, "I don't give a - about trying to top that."

Today I bring to you a CLASSIC rap battle from that 80's cable staple-"Teenwitch." You heard me right, the fucking rap battle from Teen Fucking Witch. HOLY SHIT. It starts slightly slow, but gains major steam when the beats kick in.

Claimjumper, Claimmaker: World Premiere!

WORLD PREMIERE!

After hours in the studio I am proud to announce the debut of Claimjumper, Claimmaker by Blue Azul. ENJOY! I have a feeling this won't be the last song I record...."jesus christ, cheese & rice" was a close second.....

Also thanks to my producer Neil O'Seamus Mc'Connor for providing me with studio time and a wealth of PC-based music recording knowledge. Thanks bro

THE WINNER IS IN!

THE WINNER IS IN!

After a heated 3 day vote battle I am proud to annouce the winner of the Fake Album SongContest - Blue Azul's "Claimjumper, Claimmaker" from thier latest album "Hangin' Low."The song will be recorded today, and I can honestly say, we have a hit on our hands.The song will drop very shortly, stay posted.The song should be unveiled this week.

More proof discovered. FARINA IS GOD.

Frequently, my high profile Hollywood career requires me to fire six employees a month. No one likes to can small-timers, so I find that "surfing the nets" while doing the actual firing really keeps my mind centered. In one of my "de-jobifying" sessions yesterday I stumbled upon some DEEP SECRET sites and guess who popped up. AGAIN.

Apparently, there are several more Films that originally stared Dennis Farina. Holy shit. The poor employee I was "Career Melting" thought I was applauding his demise!? In actuality, I was applauding the King Tootencommon-size discovery! Silly dicks.

Fake Album Cover BONUS! - SONG CONTEST!

Thank you all for the positive responses to my Random Google Image Fake Album Cover Contest! As a bonus, I am proud to propel this ridiculous concept into the next dimension. Your job is to vote on ONE song from any of the previous album. The song with the most votes will then be written, performed, and recorded by ME. Next week I will then post it on the site for all to listen. Holy crap that's a lot of work, but for my fans, I will do anything.

Choose any Song, from any of the below fake Albums....you CHOOSE and VOTE HERE.

I have always been a huge fan of putting lotion into baskets. This proves that there are others like me out there. No matter how disturbing this video may be to some, to me, it is magnificent. "But I don't wanna put the lotion in the basket!" "Put the fucking lotion in the basket."

Dennis Farina - My Valentine
by Jeff Mauro


Lets all face it. Dennis Farina is by far the most underrated Chicago cop turned actor of our generation. Having grown up in a household devoted to pork Jesus and all things Farina, I realize I may be partial. I remember on Easter Sunday when my father crept away to the basement to watch an bootleg copy of "Crime Story." It seems like it was just yesterday when my mother threw a Dennis-themed pool party at my Uncle Mike's house (Uncle Nick assured us he was going to show up, but to no avail his shoot ran long and he supposedly sent his kindest regards). Instead of pin the tail on the donkey, all of the kids played pin the stache' on the Farina. Giggles galore!

But I urge you to take a step back and observe this man's talent and machismo. Throw in his sparkling white jibs, a strong chin, and a big fat CIGAR and its damn hard to except that Dennis does not have six Oscars and two Grammy's! From his breakthrough role in "Thief" with Jimmy Caan to his most recent cast carrying performance on HBO's ensemble tour de force "Empire Falls" this man's range is boundless. You might remember him from the classic "Midnight Run" where his character not only threatened his goons with a CLASSIC pencil stabbing, but also threatened Bobby Dinero's skills as an actor. Bobby Dinero once said about Dennis. "D-Man(Farina) is the most overlooked character actor of the 1900's and 2000's. He's taught me a lot about respect and dedication. When I am on screen with him, I DON'T EXIST."

Holy fucking shit, Bobby D actually said that. Being a Hollywood man my self, I am constantly immersed in the "Industry" and through various contacts I have access to Hollywood's main vain. Last week I heard from the director Ridley Scott's sister's assistant that they actually shot 46% of the blockbuster "Gladiator" before even casting Russell Crowe. DO you know who played Maximus before Crowe? Click Below to find out....

That's right kids, for two months, Farina was the STAR of "Gladiator." Scott pulled him out midway through because he felt that Dennis's performance during the tigers vs. Maximus scene was impossible. Not impossible because Dennis didn't look fit enough to destroy tigers, but impossible because the TIGERS feared the hell out of DENNIS. Straight UP! I guess Cameron couldn't get the fraidy beasts to quit shitting themselves in the presence of Dennis.

Dennis Farina has it all, attempts it all, and does it all. It doesn't matter if he's a New York diamond merchant ("Snatch") or a southern lieutenant ("China Beach") he always kills each role with a dedicated fury and a deep Chicago accent that never seems to wane. I will leave you with Dennis's personal thoughts on acting....

"Some people approach acting with all these things in their head, making it more complicated than it needs to be, way too cerebral. I don't want to know that an actor lived in a cave for 12 days so that he could prepare for a part."

Now thats a man's man, a women's wet nightmare. Dennis Farina, jeffmauro.com salutes you with out Lifetime Achievement Award for Groundbreaking Manishness and Machismoness. Your bust will forever grace these pages. God Bless you and Happy Valentines Day.

BONUS!




What the Hell. More Album Covers. Designed by yours truely. Click Albums to Englarge.


"Quite possibly the finest Norwegian post punk techno-blues album of the year."
-Jim DeRogatis - The Chicago Sun Times


"If I were stuck in an underwater beehive for the rest of my life, the living essentials I would require are food, water, and Funk Tank's compelling new blue grass release - Brutal."
-Steve Koozer - Spin


"Please just shit on my throat, because this album is the best ever fusion of Mexican Nortena and Smooth Jazz. Songs not only to make love to, but to also give birth too. GRACIAS BLUE AZUL!"
-Trevor LeCrone - Wallpaper

PRESENTING THE WINNER FOR THE WEEKLY WEDNESDAY Google IMAGE SEARCH

thanks for all your votes and as a reward, I present to you the album cover for.......

CHINA IS HOT by Mr. Steve and Unbelievable

Click to Enlarge.

The Weekly Wednesday Google Image Search Contest!!!


This week I bring you a new and exciting CONTEST! Please vote on which image you enjoy the most. Please cast your ballot on the "comments!!!" link at the TOP of the post. Login as "anonymous" or "other" (type your name, and website-if you have one) and let her rip. So easy.

When the votes are tallied and a winner emerges, I will then take that picture and make an AMAZING faux album cover complete with band name/album name (using the searched words), rear jacket and a song list! How fun is that, so please vote peeps!



The Weekly Wednesday Google Image Search:
(all words and phrases are plucked from jeffmauro's stream of conscience. there are no ulterior motives and jeffmauro's favorite picture from the first display page is used. click each word to display LARGER VERSIONS of the corresponding image.)

6) Funk Tank

5) Blue Azul

4) China is hot

3)Seriously, Please Jump

2)Sugar Tit

1) It rubs the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again

Weekly Top Six List

Top Six Most Ridiculous Microsoft Word Font Names.
(I will then incorporate the word into a sentence revolving around dramatic events and/or sexual activity)



6)Helvetica

"She showed me her pound cake, I promptly displayed my moist Helvetica to her and from that point on the madness screeched to a halt and what remained was a mushroom cloud of lust."

5)KENDRIC

"Times were tough, my energy was down and it seemed like the only way to release my mind from my emotional cabinet was to aggressively tug my Kendric"

4)Trebuchet MS

"Trebuchet, MS Trebuchet I mean, please don't tell the pastor about what I did to that poor goose."

3)Bookman Old Style

"Yo dog, did you just see that crazy mo fo? That dude just pulled off a 360 facemelter into a Bookman, Old Style man, straight up all the way"

2)JACKIE

"By the time my folks got back home, Sandra was nowhere to be found. I checked in the closet, in the boudoir, and even in the garage. Nothing! Frustrated, I scrambled into the yard and finally saw her. Wet and scared she was under the garden hose, attempting to wash the remnants of our recent attempt at a successful Jackie."

1)Haettenschweiler"Once he found out about my mixup and in turn the rotten veal chops, I knew Haettenschweiler was going to teach me a hard lesson using his arthritic meat hook of a hand. "

I have returned from my Jackson Hole, Wyoming all man ski trip. Uncles, Dad, Brother, Cousins Booze and meat, it was fantastic. Wyoming is strange and beautiful. Here is a poem.

Elk Meat
-a poem by jeffmauro

Thousand of Elks feeding on an open range amist Mountains a plenty
Hundreds of Elks grace painting, pictures and decor
Dozens of Elk horns made into chandeliers
Elk Elk Elk, everywhere and Elk Elk
Old McJeffrey ate an Elk
I prefer to eat beef

thank you.

Today I am proud to introduce a new weekly segment on jeffmauro.com. Let it go by the name of "The Weekly Wednesday Google Image Search." What I do is perform a Google image search using random words that pop in my head. These words do not have any underlying meaning or reasoning, I just type them using free association.

These Google searches typically yield dozens of pages of images. What my scientific mind will do, is pick my favorite image from the FIRST page. Not the funniest, strangest, or least pertaining image, just my personal favorite.

Please click the words to see the pertaining picture, this way, there is a special element of surprise!!! The results are not only astounding but an a etymological enigma as well.


The Weekly Wednesday Google Image Search:

1) Snow Job

2) Brain City

3) Starvin' Marvin

4) Angry Mustard

5) Jumbo Ted

6) Hey, That's my shirt!

7) Everbody Loves a good fuck

Google Image Search is clearly the greatest tool ever. See you tomorrow.

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entomological
etymological
etymologically
ontological
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Starving
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Starlin
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Clary
Clarey
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