I Hate Cats Fridays.

There is such a surplus of cat-hate-inducing information that I have to dedicate a whole god damn day to it.

This cat wraps his paws around your leg and bites the shit out of you. For no reason. Article and Video.

"Is THIS my SHIRT!"

Yesterday's post brought up some fond memories of the Cosby family; especially that little playa Theo. In this classic Cosby clip, Theo pays $95 for a Gordon Catrell (?) designer shirt. Daddy Huxtable makes him return it...Denise makes him one for only $30. Fuck Yeah.

When I Have Kids Thursdays - IV

• SURE, YOU CAN HAVE A RACE CAR BED. But only if you continue to sleep in it till you graduate college. My childhood was fueled by visions of unlimited pizza and car beds. Occasionally, my Parents let me have many slices of pizza, but never once did I experience the splendid sense of adventure of sleeping on a cherry red Ferrari bed. Being older now, I realize that race car beds are for little cooters and Ricky Schroeders. However, if one day my little Jefferino must have a car bed, he will be attached to it until he is 18. That means it has to be used when loosing his virginity and while he is attending the University of Chicago on a 1st Baseman's/Sketch Comedy/UFC Fighter scholarship.
  
• NO THEMED ROOMS. Especially when we get a visit by Ty Pendington and the folks at Extreme Home Makeover. Just because Little Jeffro is momentarily into Go Bots doesn't mean his room should be PERMANENTLY converted into a room dedicated and decorated in all things Go Botic. On second thought....that sounds fairly awesome.....
• IF YOU ARE TO HAVE ANY TYPE OF THEMED ROOM, YOU MUST HAVE A GO BOT THEMED ROOM . Imagine a race car bed which automatically transforms into a bumper pool table-a flying bumper pool table. Fucking Sweet. Unfortunately, at this point I must draw a line in the sand. Seriously, how fucknutty are those Extreme Makeover Artists? Last week there was little black girl who, I'm sure casually mentioned on the 40 page Extreme Makeover Home Addition application that she "enjoyed" playing the clarinet in the school jazz band . FUCKIN OOPS! She should have never opened her mouth because this poor child, who was about 14(!), is now stuck with a god damn clarinet stool, a clarinet bed, a clarinet lamp, a clarinet ceiling mirror, and clarinet shaped clarinet case for her brand new clarinet. For god sakes Pendington, chill the fuck out. Come to think of it....
• IF WE ARE TO EVER BE ON EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER, DO NOT EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, ADMIT TO "BEING INTO" ANYTHING OTHER THAN STEAM ROOMS, PERSONAL CHEFS, PET KIMODO DRAGONS, AND ENORMOUS TELEVISIONS.
  
• IF YOU HAVE TO FART DURING MASS, JUST FART. Some of the greatest memories I have of going to Mass was when one of us kids would rip ass. I command my little ones to not kill yourself trying to stifle your tummy rumblers- just let em' go. In such a quiet and solemn environment, humor can only be contained so much, especially at Catholic Mass where everything is at least 19 times more funny. Plus, nothing unleashes a uncontainable barrage of laughter quite like my little sister's innocent poot reverberating off a wooden church pew like a god damn rock guitar.
  
• WHEN THE GRANDPARENTS COME OVER FOR DINNER, WE WILL ALL LIP-SYNC AND PERFORM "COSBY STYLE" DIDDYS. The Grandparents are very important, therefore, whenever they visit, we will entertain them with various soul and R&B classics, expertly lip-sync'd and performed by ALL OF US. This must also include a dramatic entrance down the stairs and several soulful "break-downs" by yours truly. From a young age Little Jefferina must study the talented Rudy and Little Jefferooni must be able to do the robot as well as Theo. Jefferooni is welcome to bring Roach along as well. Roach will be doing sound.
  

When I Have Kids Thursdays - I
When I Have Kids Thursdays - II
When I Have Kids Thursdays - III

Paulie Walnut's Quotes of the Week

The best quotes from this Sunday's Sopranos. Exclusively on jeffmauro.com


More Paulie & Soprano's videos:
"Walnuts" Trailer
Paulie Walnut's Quotes of the Week III
Paulie Walnut's Quotes of the Week II

Nintendo 64 God's Sake this Kids is a Nincumpoop.

Delicious Grilled Links. Updated Hourly

Beastmaster Jones is quite possibly the worst. However, this clip is definitely the best.


Random Wickipedia Word Search. Today, I want to learn about Poop Decks.


James Lipton shotguns a beer on Conan. A sloppy shotgun, but a shotgun nonetheless.


Some great impersonations of Denzel, Chris Rock & Morgan Freeman.


Web Classic Alert. Fuckin' Cats are the worst man. The Worst.

I'm Walnuts for Paulie

Paulie's Words of intelligence and Wisdom.

"Oh! Doc said I have to wear a jock strap. To keep my balls elevated."
-Paulie Walnuts

(attempting to post the video for this....so close. Keep posted.)

Links of the weeks.

Massive Discovery. Massive. Would you believe me if I told you VanDam was in Breakin'? Holy shit.


I hate her and her babies.



Fucking Irish.

I've always dreamt of a creation such as this. Please watch, and please make me one.

Worlds largest burgers? Schnitzel the size of a caboose? Find it all here.


My personal favorite. Borat wine tasting.


God damn.


This place is great to visit every hour. The Gilded Moose provides scathing and accurate commentary on all things Hollywood. (Check out my ad on the right)

When I Have Kids Thursdays III

• NO MILK WITH DINNER. During supper, my little tubs of shit will only be allowed water, wine or delicious diet pop. One exception will be made, and that is when Moms is serving up the coveted "pancakes for dinner." Milk shall be enjoyed when eating breakfast and/or cookies and cakes. Kids should not be trained to drink milk with ribs or pasta. "That's what hillbillies do, and daddy doesn't feed hillbillies. Now go wax my jag" says Jeff to kids.

• NO MECHANICAL BULL RIDING. Nothing says "classy broad" like my Heffeweizan-filled daughter dry humping a fake mammal in front of college hat wearing gaytards. No double standard here folks, my son is not allowed as well. I have seen men ride mechanical bulls at bars. Watching them evokes the same awkward and uncomfortable feeling I got when I caught my parents "exercising" in the basement. The smell and the sweat and the heat...

• WHEN IN DOUBT, JUST KISS HER. A little sentimental, I know, but also very important. If a hint of opportunity arises for my Little Jeffrey, I will command him to just kiss the broad. If his advance is unrequited and a negative response occurs, may I suggest snuffing the sitch by vomiting on her mouth than sprinting back to Daddy - who will then make you run the mile.

• BAD GRADES WILL BE IGNORED IF LITTLE JEFFREY IS FUNNIEST GUY (CLASS CLOWN). I would be so proud that, not only will I allow him to do all the above stuff, but I will reward him by letting him throw water balloons at me while I built him a batting cage in the backyard.

• YOU WILL TEACH YOURSELF HOW TO RIDE A 2 WHEEL BIKE. That's what Daddy did (honestly) and that's what you will do. Remember, no helmets, no crying and no mommy. If you do get a "boo-boo," Daddy will make sure you spend your teen years scootin' around the neighborhood in your old batman bigwheel.
  

• SPICY SHIT WILL BE INCORPORATED AT AN EARLY AGE. Nothing is more embarrassing than being "that guy" or "that girl" who goes to a Mexican cantina with a bunch of amigos and demands to know the spice level of every little thing. "(in kiddy voice) seniow, awre da mawgawitas spwicy? " Therefore, hot giardiniera and jalepenos will be introduced at 6 months by incorporating the spice inside there "ba-ba" or rubbing on their toothless gums.
  

• YOU MUST COMPLETE AT LEAST ONE PULL UP IN THE PRESIDENTIAL FITNESS TEST. Daddy had a very hard time completing such a simple task. There are a few things as pathetic as the site of that one child; dangling from the chin-up bar, red-faced and hanging on for his life. His gym shorts are falling, exposing his stretch-marked booty crack while the skinny kids are pointing and spitting on him. My kids will not be one of them dammit. They will do one pull up. And one only.
  

• OH! EASY WITH THE BREAD.

Check out the previous additions. Pure Fantastikness.
When I Have Kids Thursdays I
When I Have Kids Thursdays II

Top Six Most Awesome Microsoft Word Clip Art

Remember the bleak days before Google image searches? When one wanted to incorporate graphics into a document or compu-display of some sort, there weren't many options besides Printshop and magazine clippings. But the one "good ol' standby" that everyone seemed to take advantage of was the superb collection of clip art found only on Microsoft Word. Whether you needed to pound out a birthday banner on your dot matrix or illustrate your company's feeling of togetherness, Microsoft's groundbreaking selection of clip art was your only choice. Today I bring to you, complete with ACTUAL CAPTIONS, the TOP SIX MOST AWESOME MICROSOFT WORD CLIP ART.


6)

"Fries & DICE y'all!"


5)

Mr. Glasses: "Hey boss, what you doing on Friday?"
Col. Bossman: "I'm fuckin up the inside of your coat."
Mr. Glasses: "Again!?"

4)

Fred: "Woman, will you please die already?"
Bea: "I'll gladly die as soon as you start serving me more than green juice & old bread you cheap fuck."
Fred: "Touche"

3)

Sandra: "Your black hand is rough and ashy"
Squantisha: "And your white hand is yellow and quite strong you lesbian soldier."


2)

"Oh no, my Bawlll."



1)

Sanchez: "As the inter-office racial ball league commissioner I command you two - Jermal and Red Bear- to play clean. NOW LETS GET IT ON!"

Jeff's Tuesday Hollywood Gossip Update Column

Liza Minnelli is so damn crazy she's officially sexy. Honest to god, she could be one of my Aunts. I can totally picture my crazy Aunt Liza getting cocked on Zambuka at Gram's Easter soiree held at the retirment compound's party room. She would tell us stories about her aloof Grandpa (my great-great-grandpa) and how he would only nourish her with cigarillos and mortadella while he taught her how to hustle pool against Asian teenagers. Aunt Liza would always give me insane Christmas gifts. When I was eleven she actually gave my brother and I a three night stay at the Luxor while my sister's received a carton of whole milk in a fantastically decorated gift bag. Oh the memories....

The Monday Morning Paulie "Walnuts" Scene Stealing Moment

"Oh, Van Helsing, come with me."

-Paulie to A.J. Soprano while in the hospital waiting room. A.J. now has long hair and resembles a night-walking creature slayer. Thanks to Paulie for not only delivering a fantastic line with Stanislavsky-like precision, but making our minds ponder such an association. Fuck Yeah.

My Bro - Sano L

So here is the long awaited trailer for the appropriately titled Samuel L vehicle "Snakes on a Plane." But first, to warm you up, I present the first ever online excerpt from the screenplay:


SANO L: Captain, I know the seatbelt sign is on, but I am an officer. Of the Law. I demand to know what the HELL is going on!

CAPT. STEVE: Officer Sano L, this plane is infested with snakes.

SANO L STARTS TO LAUGH NERVOUSLY

SANO L: Capt. There are two things in this world that I CAN'T STAND. Number one are planes. Number two, are snakes. So what your telling me is there are SNAKES ON A PLANE.

CAPT. STEVE: Yes Sano L. Yes.

SANO L: Well god damn muther fucker. LETS FUCK UP SOME SNAKES.

CAPT. STEVE: (addressing co-capt. Hollingsworth) Co Capt. Hollingsworth,turn of the seat belt sign and grab a hammer. It seems there are some snakes on the plane that need deboarding.

SANO L: (Starts electric slide) Fuck yeah.

"When I Have Kids" Thursdays II

Round Two of my thoughts on my inevitable future parenting. Click to see last weeks.

• NO HAMSTERS or GERBILS. My blessed children will be allowed a variety of birds, puppies, and maybe if they don't talk smart to their Pappy, even a small primate. When the day arrives when my doughy-eyed son comes up to me and begs me for a Hamster, Gerbil, or any rodent, the hammer of justice will connect with his jaw. This also includes Rabbits.
  
• NO SPRING BREAK FOR YOU. Back in college I took one Spring Break trip to the Bahamas and all I had to show for it was my intact hymen and a Stage C Rash my hombres and I caught while "crazy boozin" in a septic jacuzzi. My son might have a chance of going but my daughter will spend her high school and college spring break making Daddy lasagna instead of showing her nipples and screaming out "LAKE HAVASU 2023!!!"
  
• GO KART FOR EVERYONE. Some kids in my neighborhood had go karts and mini-bikes, in turn, they were the shit. Unfortunately, my parents wouldn't hear of such a thing. My little shits will be showered will all types of motorized fun machines. Little Jeffrey and Jeffrina will be the most respected kids in the neighborhood. They will achieve rightful popularity without selling ecstasy(little Jeffrey) or engaging in premarital hand release (Jeffrina).
  
• THE KIDS WILL NOT BENEFIT FROM MARISELLA THE MAID. Our future maid Marisella is for mommy's relief only. The little bastards will understand this by the age of 8 when I require them to perform monthly oil changes on my Benzo.
  
• PIZZA ON FRIDAY - ONLY. I know my genes and the craving for cheesy/bready/meaty/saucy combos my genes produce. This multi-generational trait will be nipped in the bud very early on. Pizza is the best and you can enjoy it my little ones. Only of Friday.
  
• YOU WILL WASH MY CAR. My pops and his pops did it, I did it with my Pops, you will wash my cars with me son. All of them. Even my classic hot rod collection and a monthly wax and buff of my 80's-era Air Wolf-style helicopter. One thing, Daddy just sprays the hose and must never scrub, dry, or bend in any way. Daddy never bends.
  
• YOU WILL BE IN THE FAMILY BAND. No choice here. All my children must be in my family band. Little Jeffrey on lead ax, Little Jeffrina on Bass (naturally), Little Two on the kit and Daddy on lead vocals on rhythm guitar. Everyone must sing harmonies and Mommy will make us pound cake and banana mojitos for our set breaks.
  

A Fresh Piece of Fuckin Poundcake

Please, Please watch this. The Kid From Brooklyn.

Soprano's Quote of the Day

"Snakes were fucking themselves long before Adam and Ever showed up to Eden."

-Paulie Walnuts

More to Come Later!

Jeff's Tuesday Hollywood Gossip Update Column

Shhhhh, did you hear?

• Scooters are the new Toyota Prius. Look out big oil, here comes Rascal Power! ZINGER!
  
  
  (ScaJoha jamming on MULHOLLAND DR. on her brand new eco-TASTIC electric Rascal R7KRSTBlue)

• Adopting African Parrots is the new adopting African babies. Did you know that African Grey Parrots have the ability to retain a 500 word VOCAB! Polly want an OSCAR? oooh Snap!

• Marc Jacobs has invented sunglasses that actually block out ALL U.V. rays, harmful smog, and magnesium flare ups. Much to pleasure of Hollywoohoo's Hottest BITCHES, they be GIGANTORSAURAS REX! Check out that facial COVERAGE! BOING!!
  

(Nicole Ritchie on Robertson Blvd. post Starbucks RUN. What, no more love for the COFFEE BEAN!? Keepin' it REAL NikkiRitch!)

Head in the Toilet - Disgusting.

In honor of last night's season opener, I present to you a pretty shitty clip of one of the best lines in the Soprano's history.

Only in the IL can this be true.

Fattest. Sandwich. Ever.

Holy Crap - Taylor Hicks is the SHIT