When I Have Kids Thursdays (on Friday)- Part 8

Day late and a dollar short....
Dear lil' Fucknuts,

• No Fettucine Alfredo. Never, not in microwave form or from a 3 star Michelan rated restaurant. Fettucine Alfredo is for chubby orphans, strippers, and those who frequent Olive Garden (cocksucking motherfuckers).
• None of this "We Don't Keep Score in our T-Ball league" Bullshit. That is why I will be the president, commissioner and main organizer of my children's t-ball league. And the first rule I will implement is that THE SCORE WILL BE KEPT. And not only will we score each and every run, RBI, stolen base, and error, but you can count on this simple fact: if little Trevor, your precious 5 year-old superstar misses a pop-up to center field, not only will he go on the books with a big "E" but he will also be blessed with a dark chocolate bruise on his forehead. Courtesy of me and my big elbow. Word.
• No Flatscreen Televisions in the Minivan. What in God's name has happened to classics car ride time passers such as Travel Connect Four and Hangman? Now a days kids are spoon fed video based entertainment, and family interaction is at an all time low. That is why we will stick to the classics while family truckstering. This does include the classic sibling time waster, "Punch Buggy Blue", or as my older brother Frank used to call it, "Knee in the Eye Buggy Everycolor." Ahh, memories...
  
• None of this "I Can't Clear my Plate Daddy, I'm not Hungry!" If your my son or daughter and you can't clear your plate, it means Mommy was bumpin' pudding with skinny Rick from Blockbuster and your no son of mine.

When I Have Kids I
When I Have Kids II
When I Have Kids III
When I Have Kids IV
When I Have Kids V
When I Have Kids VI
When I Have Kids VII

Weekly SkyMall WTF Product

Holy Shit.Picture yourself on a trans-Atlantic redeye. Your miserable from the tiny seats and shitty magazines. You've just pounded down four fingers of Chivas attempting to put yourself out for the next 6-7 hours. Eyelids becomes heavy and you feel yourself beginning to succumb to mediocre, scotch induced airline slumber. Your sinking, your sinking......

....when all of a sudden, the fuck face next to you starts shuffling, squirming, and making all sorts of ruckus. WHY? To put on this MONFUCKINGSTRONSITY. DIE. DIE. DIE.

click to enlarge

Haikus In the Dark - By Harold and Sheryl Hamsons

Pioneers of the art of lightless haiku's, Harold and Sherl Hamson have been writing haikus in little or no light since 1994 (the year of pure darkness). They say the trick to purity in haiku is to not see anything while writing whether it be through binding, black tape, or magic.

My ass is on fire
Not heat from the bacon boy
But flames from the north

Hop to the candy
Silly rabbit, Trick’s are bunk
Carrots have carbs too

Young pony in field
Prance and yet he wonders why
Horse is the big one

Queer and pale he sits
Jean shorts are funny on boys
That’s why they hate you

Contribution made by Dr. Emily Mauro.

Classic SNL Clipsky.

Re-discovered this Gem this morning and couldn't resist. Man do I love Dinero, but his live reading skills are shit.

Famed Critic Akbar Bashiti and His Thoughts on Last Night's Sopranos.

I have said before many time so many - America is full of the crazies. This is why the worlds(or as you say in this land "world") need the Tony Soprano and this why Akbar the great loves Soprano so much. Most recent episodeee "Luxory Lounge" was great like Shiva's bow.

First of all there was lamb in episode. When Carmela and Tony go to Da Giovanni's for Phil Leotardos party (played very masculinely by Frank Vincent - an honorary Hindu God) Carmela tries to decipher the gnocchi(non rice dish) and realizes he is using a lamb ragu. This delighted Akbar to the farthest reaches of the Ganges where it is no longer a river but a 40 foot woman . . . also this episode was great because Ghandi himself acted in show as someone named "Sir Ben Kingsley". This was a very convincing performance because the Mahatma portrayed such a convincing portrayal of a conceited british prick who has the world by balls and would soon as spit on you or kiss your feet - depending on mood. Soon all british will die . . .where am I? Oh right? Moltisanti is a fool for breaking his sobriety but his 73rd wife has most wonder milk jugs.

Artie was a great fool in this episode and makes Tony look even more grand when Tony he offers Melfi for shrinking services. Artie is complete fool but he did beat shit out of Benny - Benny is wormy fool who deserved beat down from Phil Leotardo last year(played masculinely by Frank Vincent, honorary Hindu God). When Benny boiled Arties arm later in marinara non curry sauce - how can you eat mostacolli without curry sauce??!! Akbar felt bad for Artie - also when Benny came to see Tony and told him of his divine intentions to hurt Artie by putting nails in his balls this dissapointed Akbar. Akbar never talks hurting mans balls till after he does it and eats lamb. Akbar thinks Benny is a fag and in the end Tony would whack Benny out for guilt/frienship for Artie. Charmagne's rack was better than lamb even - when Artie gave speech and mexican degrade him - it pleases akbar who was rude once to English and beat me for three days and eleven nights . . . long story - they had time machine. Artie talks too much too but has Charmagne's lovely lamb rack - Akbar jealous.

Tony is most careful when Leotardo asks about the hit on Rusty - this is smart man - worthy of 1000s of gallons of non rancid rice milk. He still has a few moves and can maybe get through this last season without dying - but his end of reign is as imminent as my next lamb meal. Lamb was best part of episodeee.

-Akbar the Beloved

Skymall Product of the Week

I tend to fly a lot and nothing entertains me more than a quick flip through America's greatest hawker of useless shit. Therefore, I introduce to you, the Skymall Product of the Week:

It's called the Ergonomic Hair Care System and it kicks ass. Imagine how many hours you could save by not having to undress, soap up, dry off and powder down. I don't know about you, but I want six.

When I Have Kids Thursdays - Part 7

Dear Children,

• We Will Not Go Camping. It's just not in our blood. Back when I was a teen, my chums and I loaded up the Mom's Dodge Caravan and drove to Wisconsin to rip it up outdoor style. It fucking sucked and I wanted not only to get a motel room, but I also wanted my mommy. I was 18.
  
• You Will Mow the Lawn. This will start when you gain enough strength and coordination to actually push the mower. I will pay you nothing but if you remain dedicated and do a good job, I just might buy you a riding mower. Why? Because Daddy always wanted one.
  
• Limited Childproofing. I can understand that parents enjoy the peace of mind that stair guards, table cushions, and outlet protectors provide. However, when I was a tike, we didn't have any such thing and we all turned out fantastic. Plus, nothing teaches a child strength and integrity like the corner of a coffee table being jabbed into your throat.
• I'm Still on the Fence About "Soccer." I should be blessed that my chub-inclined children would want to play any organized sport, let alone move, but soccer is just so damn silly. I understand the athleticism and endurance necessary to run up and down an enormous field. But when they take a hit, they all cry like injured lambs. And my children will be taught to destroy all injured lambs, then eat their chops.

THE CLASSICS:

When I Have Kids I
When I Have Kids II
When I Have Kids III
When I Have Kids IV
When I Have Kids V
When I Have Kids VI

M.C. Lay-Up

This guy not only rocks the mike hard, but performs flawless fingerolls. Holy shit.

When I Have Kids Thursdays - VI

Dear Future Children,

• Your First Job Will be Baggin' Groceries. You mother had no problem baggin' at the Dominicks and your Uncle Frank was so damn talented at baggin', he graduated to full out Cashier (PIMP!). Unfortunately, your father (me) didn't go the bagger route at the Jewels and starting his professional career as a bitch boy for the local butchers. Daily activities included sweeping meat, scrubbing fat, and picking beef veins out of my fingernails. All for $3.62 an hour. And that's the truth. On second thought....
• Your First Job will either be Grocery Bagger -or- Meat Sweeper. Puts hair on your chest.
  
• None of this "I'm Getting a New Car when I Turn 16" Bullshit. Your getting a fucking big wheel and that's that. Kids that get brand new bow'd-up Lexus' when then turn 16 wind up addicted to meth. Now that I'm thinking about it....
• None of this MTV Sweet 16 Bullshit. Master Daddy had two parties as a kid: my First Communion and my graduation from 8th grade. Those little rat bastards on MTV, with there fucking noses and reception halls infuriate me so much, I am honestly contemplating killing my children a day before they are 16. Maybe not my sons, but definitely my daughters. They must die.
  
• No Skateboarding. My chubby ass tried when I was a youngin', and it didn't work out. Our genes are not structured to handle such movements in conjunction with coolster style such as bullet belts, baggy clam diggers, and clunky untied shoes. Now that I think about it the trends have dramatically changed. The skaters of today often looks like members of a band called "The Chives" or "The Buttons" or "The Mongoose" or "The Slutdonkeys" (that's a good one actually). Anyway, they have floppy hipster hair and tight ASS black jeans and almost never grin. Tight as hell and jeans and my offspring will never unite. Now while I'm talkin' jeans....
• No Jean Shorts. This should be applied not only to my children but also the world. Obviously, if your a girl and can pull it off, go right ahead. But you, my precious little son will not being sporting knee-length man-jean shorts, especially when you are in junior high and on a strict UFC Fighter training regiment. Guaranteed - Chuck "The Iceman" Lidell does not believe in Jean Shorts, and if he does, you and him will meet, this Saturday the 15th, in the Octagon.
  


Check out the archives:

When I Have Kids I
When I Have Kids II
When I Have Kids III
When I Have Kids IV
When I Have Kids V

Top Six Whores Ya'll!

This week, I am proud to bring to you the worlds TOP SIX professional prostitutes.



6) Divine Brown. She's the black women who was caught "suckin' bobcats" with Hugh "Johnny versatile" Grant. She's awesome and he wanted it.



5) Sandy in accounting. I know this bitch loves the dee eye see kay, and I got the stretch marks to prove it. Just about everyone in the office has had a go at her mathtastic poontoon canal.




4) "Momma's Boy" Otis Wilson. After a small stint as a Chicago Bear Linebackster (80-88), he found himself down and out. Divorced and penniless (bad stock car investments) he resorted to getting pounded for pounds in London. CRIKEE! Remember, the ladies (and apparently men) all love him for his body and his mind.


3) Mary Magdalene. Jesus supposed main SQUEEZE and according to Dan
Brown, mother of Jesus's secret offspring, Toby Christ. NIP SLIPPED YA!


2) My Mom. Obvious choice and most likely candidate for the coveted NUMERO DEUCE spot. Love ya Ma, ya fucking whore. BOOYA!



1) Carole Leigh. Many of you non-whoremasters might not know who this is, but thanks to me (the SHIT) I am bringing this little nugget of info to light. Carole Leigh is the Dean of Academic Studies at, I shit you not, WHORE COLLEGE. WHORE COLLEGE is in San Francisco. WHORE COLLEGE teaches a plethora of pre-requisite whore courses. Some of the classes include "Sex Worker Stretch," "Safer Oral Sex Techniques," "Six Herbs That Can Cure Anything," and for all you business majors - "D.I.Y Webcam." Can you imagine the shindigs thrown down at the Kappa Kappa Bush Sorority? Holy shit. Check it out.

Paulie Whoops Tricks

Short but sweet. Light week for Paulie...


"Walnuts" Trailer
Paulie Walnut's Quotes of the Week III
Paulie Walnut's Quotes of the Week II

New Paulie Walnuts TV Show. Fuck Yeah

jeffmauro.com EXCLUSIVE. Here is the fanastic trailer for HBO's new Soprano's spinoff. The program will star Tony Sirico, who plays non other than - Paulie Walnuts Gaultieri.


Other Paulie Videos:

Paulie Walnut's Quotes of the Week III
Paulie Walnut's Quotes of the Week II

When I Have Kids Thursdays - V

• Your First Time Being Drunk Will be with Daddy. When Jeffrito hits the 13/14 mark, we will sit on the stoop and pound tallboys of Lowenbrau. My son will want to stop, but I will encourage him until he vomits or fights me.
  

Top Six Reasons Why American Idol is in the Process of Jumping the Shark

After last nights shitstorm of a show, I have concluded that American Idol's water skies have just risen out of the wake and are about to get major air over an enormous tiger shark. Here's why:


6) Rockin' Out is not exciting anymore. With last season's revolutionary introduction of rad rockmasters like Boy Bice and that dimple-chinned gayrod, it's seems American Idol was willing to take necessary risks to incorporate all facets of "American" music. Unfortunately, this year, the rock candle is being snuffed by Baldy Soulpatch and Snaggletoof Covington. Granted, those two are slightly more interesting to watch than Mandingo and Kelly Hickler, but they those dudes just don't satisfy my Rock Tummy. When they are Rockin HARD!, you have to ask yourself: "do these RockSmackers really inspire me to throw on the Dokken jean vest, black dungarees, and stand in line for hours to indulge in a pre-performance tall boy of Coors Extra?" For fucks sake, No. Please stick to the Blacks and the Country stars.

5) Randy's Getting Tubby Again. Oh! easy with the multiple tumblers of Coke. Nothing more detrimental to a show's success than when one of it's judges gain weight, post gastric bypass surgery, thus loosing vital judging credibility. Nothing wrong with a little chubiness mind you, but I'm just saying, after all that stapling and surgery, you gotta learn. I'm just trying to say it nicely, take it easy you fucking tub of shit.

4) Randy's Cutting Back on Dog Pounding. This one is actually more beneficial to the future success of the show but unfortunately the damage has been done. Randy has finally realized that hootin' and hollerin' at his unisex dog pound has become re-god-damn-diculous. This means that he is aware that he single-handedly was destroying American Idol as well as the planet. However, the damage is done Rando, the damage is done.

3) Simon Don't Care No More. Can you see it? I can see it He just doesn't care no more. Look who he who has to deal with. The man is the only watchable head on that show. Watch him closely, lots of head-shaking, wordless responses, and constant interruption by the mentally-challenged audience. He just don't care no more. He is there for a paycheck and to look at young girls boobies.

2) Seacrest loves Dudes (especially Simon). The entire internet/Hollywood community is game to his down low lifestyle, so it's only a matter of time before his charade comes crumbling down around him is a sea of seamen-soaked sweaters and paddycakes. What's not helping are the constant bitch fights between Simon and him. Those exchanges are killing the momentum of the show. Let's not forget to mention this season's mysterious absence of Ryan's trademark "Seacrest Out!" sign off. Coinkidink?

1) Paula is so God Damn Shot. When Paula "Witney II-Electric Boogaloo" Abdonkey opens her Goldschlager-scented mouth, I literally shed a tears of blood. Her jumbled words are so painful and fantastic that I can't help but relive the same uncomfortable feeling I got when I found myself stuck without toilet paper in the bathroom of the Ponderosa Restaurant at the North Riverside Mall. Believe you me, it's quite a tale. Lets just say I ended up wiping my ass with several slices of stolen white bread and immediately confessed to my friends what just occurred. They pointed and laughed and I went home to have a good soak and a sandwich.

Holy Shit - Another Amazing Dog.

Holy Shit. What this dog did is beyond understanding. Once again, cat's are the fucking worst man. The worst.

I Must Reiterate - Dogs are Fantastic, Cats are Gay

When my childhood dog-a tiny-toy poodle named Chewy-learned to catch frisbees and attack on command, I thought I had myself the greatest beast in all the land. Man was I wrong....

Paulie Walnut's Quotes of the Week

A very emotionally charged episode for our main man Paulie. I admit, I was quite nervous upon witnessing the startling revelation that Paulie's Aunt Dotti was indeed his Mother. I thought that Paulie wouldn't be the Zinger Bringer he has been in the past 3 episodes. I stand corrected. Walnuts always brings the thunder.

"Simpsons the Movie" Teaser

Should have the edited video up in a little bit. To keep you all entertained, here is the much talked about Simpson's Movie Trailer.