Colbert & Ernie
Great. Great. Great. Colbert at his finest, wait for the interview about 2 minutes in. Very worth it.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
HOT SAUCE FANTASTICNESS!
Dude gets 8 bucks to dump some Habenero hot sauce in his eye. Now, I know your asking, "hey Jeff, what's the catch"? Catch is, he can't wash his shit out till he pounds a double cheeseburger. If he fails to eat the burger and demands an eye-rinse with milk, dude gets three shots to the gut. So layered it's brilliant. Hot Sauce, Burgers and Boys.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Japanese Gameshow Extravaganza
Remember that one clip that involved "Bad Smell Air" and "Man Bites Gingerly." Fuck all those. These little bastards get an automatic slap to the balls. And guess what, it's awesome. Introducing the Japanese Tongue Twista Game.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Open Hand Bitch Slapped
John Stossel gets slapped like a baby when he asks some wrestler if the sports "fake." Best part: the second slap, which comes from the left like a train in the night. Von-Erich CLAW'D YA!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Laser Pointer + Pug + Bowling Pins x Slick Hardwood Floors = FANTASTIC
I dare you to watch this video without laughing and/or being overwhelmed with a sense of joy not unlike cuddling a newborn Koala Bear or rollerblading with Snuggles the Drier Sheet Mascot. PUG BOWLING.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Akbar Bashiti's Bengali Jam of the Week
Please find this Video amusing. When my Great Uncle Sunjeep was Calvary Leader during the infamous Donkey Brigades of East Mubai, he had only his loyal soldiermen and a drinking Gourd. This video brings back most fond memories of his tales of these Brigades. Action was of utmost abundance and life was viewed as disposable as faulty lamb claws. Please find this video as one to evoke these emotional feelings. Please. Gods bless you.Monday, July 17, 2006
"THE OFFICE" The Summer Episodes 1 & 2
Even though Michael is not involved in these weekly clips, they are still brilliant. Perfectly short and hilarious.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Greatest Artist of our Generation. And he's a Texan!
This masterblaster is more fantastic than any other gay-ass high-brow arteeest. I mean, could you imagine the process, the painstakengly ridiculous process of rockin' a "Tubin'" portrait on the dirty-ass rear window of 96' Golf. Best Part: The portrait of the Tuber, of course. THIS GUY IS MY DADDY!
Best Criag's List Post Ever.
found this bit of advice on Craig's List. Being an office worker, I have to say that the tactics laid out are quite beneficial and should be practiced by all. Best Parts: the word "Havanna Omlete" and the outing of "Uncle Todd".
Date: 2006-06-15, 2:07PM PDT
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Office Poop survival guide
Date: 2006-06-15, 2:07PM PDT
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Mouse Trap - X 10,000,000
Japanese television never seizes to amaze. Unfortunately, there is no "bad smell air" in this clip, but it is quite astonishing nonetheless. Best part, the Champaign fountain....wait for it. Japanese Domino Magic Fun Time!
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
The Trailer is In: Rock Balboa
I think my boner just broke my jeans. Seriously, I don't care what anyone says, this flick is going to make 3 billion dollars. 2 of those 3 billion will come from me and my rich internet friends. Unfortunately, there are two things missing: 1) No Ivan Drago 2) No Dennis Farina.Rocky Balboa Trailer
Friday, July 07, 2006
Friday Funny Shit.
Not only is this video classic it is so damn delicious as well. Please watch while cuddling. Best Part: Ashford's voice, so gnarly and raspy that it makes me want to make love to him. Gay. Solid as a Rock
Please take a gander at what I like to call "The German Waterhole Project." It is just so damn fascinating to see what non-American television can get away with. Best part: fucking the dogs up as well. Click to watch.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
When I Have Kids Thursdays! Numero 14!
Dear Lil' Bastardos, - NO BABY BACKPACKS. Hey you, don't think for one second that Super Daddy is gonna be totein' you around town in one of those front loading or back loading baby carriers. I'm just not that kinda guy. Maybe I'll pull you along in a wagon, or possible carry you on my shoulders, but Never will I be caught being "that guy." Those dads are the worst and you know it. Sure they are attempting to "be one" with their child and increase the bond and all that shit, but honestly, all this hippy bullshit just makes the kid lazy and over dependent. Just look at me. My Pops never dared harness me in a Jansport Backpack just so he could rock two cups of beer the "Taste." Wait a minute...on second thought.
- BABY BACKPACKS JUST MIGHT BE INCORPORATED. That is, if its summer festival season and Daddy's feeling parched and ready to rumble. Plus, if Daddy does get a little pickled and dizzy, you'll be there, my little Angel, to soften the fall.
When I Have Kids I
When I Have Kids II
When I Have Kids III
When I Have Kids IV
When I Have Kids V
When I Have Kids VI
When I Have Kids VII
When I Have Kids VIII
When I Have Kids VIIII
When I Have Kids VIIIII
When I Have Kids VIIIIII
When I Have Kids VIIIIIII
When I Have Kids VIIIIIIII
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Happy Fifth!
I don't know whether this new extreme is sport is the worst thing ever or the mostest bestest. I'm going with mostest bestest. Best part: the combo barrell-spin into the "over the hydrant and under the sign mctwist." Sick
Here are some classic and surprisingly inappropriate firework labels. Of course we all know "black cat" firecrackers and the occasional "witch whistler" but I bet you've never witnessed the colorful wonder of the famous 25 shot "Remember! Forgetting!" Another favorite is the immense explosions caused by the 36 shot "Blond Joke."
This next clip just might blow your mind. Elephant Seals are the shit.